Family members and friends can be a wellspring of deep comfort and solace during grieving. Some people seem to know just when a hug is needed or when silence is most welcome. Unfortunately, in our society there are few guidelines for handling the social aspects of grief. Sometimes well-meaning people voice opinions concerning the time it is taking to “get over it” or question the parents’ decision to not give away their child’s clothing or other belongings. Others do not know what to say, so they are silent, pretending that life’s greatest catastrophe did not occur. Many friends never again mention the deceased child’s name, not knowing that this silence, as if the cherished child never existed, only adds to parents’ pain. Holidays can become uncomfortable, because they bring sadness as well as joy.

In an attempt to alleviate these difficulties, bereaved parents helped compile the following lists of what helps and what does not, in the hope that it may guide those family members and friends who deeply care, but just don’t know how to help. Parents or family members can copy these lists to share with people who want to help.

These suggestions are offered with the understanding that what works for one family may not work for another. Family members and friends should use their knowledge of the bereaved family to choose options that they think will be most helpful. If in doubt, they should ask the parents. As Mother Teresa said, “Kind words can be short and easy to say, but their echoes are truly endless.”

Things that help

The long lists of things that help from Chapter 16, Family and Friends (e.g., keeping the household running, feeding the family, and helping with bills), are still appropriate here. The following lists are specific suggestions for support with grieving.

Helpful things to say:

• I am so sorry.
• I cannot imagine the pain you are feeling, but I am thinking about you.
• I really care about you.
• You and your family are in our thoughts and prayers.
• We would like to hold a memorial service at the school for your child if you think that it would be appropriate.
• I will never forget John’s sunny smile.
• I will never forget Jane’s gentle way with children and animals.

Parents also offer a list of helpful things to do:

• Go to the funeral or memorial service.

• Show genuine concern and caring by listening.

• Help the siblings.

• Write the parents a note instead of sending a preprinted sympathy card with your signature. Include special things you remember about their child or your feelings about their child. Letters, poems, or drawings from classmates and friends allow children to share their feelings with the family of the deceased, as well as provide poignant testimonials that the family will cherish.
• Talk about the child who has died. Parents forever carry cherished memories of their child and enjoy hearing others’ favorite recollections.

• When parents express guilt over what they did or did not do, reassure them that they did everything they could. Remind them that they provided their child with the best medicine had to offer.
• Remember anniversaries. Call or send a card or flowers on the anniversary of the child’s death.
• Respect the family’s method of grieving.
• Give donations in the child’s name to a favorite charity of the child or parents, for example, the child’s school library, the local children’s camp, or U.S. Children’s Hospice International.

• Commemorate the child’s life in some tangible way. Examples of this are planting trees, shrubs, or flowers; erecting a memorial or plaque; or displaying a picture of the child.

• Be patient. Acute grief from the loss of a child lasts a long, long time. Expectations of a rapid recovery are unrealistic and hurtful to parents.
• Encourage follow-up from medical personnel.

What not to say

Please do not say the following to grieving parents:

• I know exactly how you feel.
• It’s a blessing her suffering has ended.
• Thank goodness you are young enough to have another child.
• At least you have your other children.
• Be brave.
• Time will heal.
• God doesn’t give anyone more than they can bear.
• It was God’s will.
• He’s in a better place now.

• God must have needed another angel.
• It’s lucky this happened to someone as strong as you.
• Don’t worry, in time you’ll get over it.
• Why did you decide to cremate him?
• How is your marriage holding up?
• You need to be strong for your other children.

Please do not say to the siblings:

• You need to be strong for your mom and dad.
• Don’t cry, it upsets your parents.
• You’re the man of the house now.
• How does it feel to be the big sister now?

Even if bereaved parents have deep religious faith, it is often tested by their child’s death. Parents are not comforted by well-meaning friends who assume faith is making the grief bearable; indeed, many parents find it to be infuriating. It’s better to just say “I’m sorry.”

In the months and years following the child’s death, any of the following are unlikely to be appreciated and may, in fact, be hurtful:

• Don’t you think it’s time to get over it?
• It’s been 6 months; it’s time to put the past behind you.
• Life goes on.
• You need to get on with your life.
• You shouldn’t be feeling that way.
• Don’t you think you should give away all her clothes?
• Don’t cry.
• Doesn’t it bother you to have his pictures around?
• Please don’t talk about Johnnie, it just stirs up all those memories.
• It’s not good to just sit around, you need to get out and have some fun.

Don’t let your own sense of helplessness keep you from reaching out, even if you are unsure about what to say or do. It hurts the grieving family members when others stay away or pretend nothing is wrong or avoid (or refuse) to talk about the child who has died.

What not to do

The following are suggestions from parents about what not to do:

• Don’t remove anything that belonged to the child who died, unless specifically asked to by the parents.

• Don’t offer advice.

• Don’t say anything that in any way suggests that the child’s medical care was inadequate.

• Don’t look on the bright side or find silver linings.

• Don’t make comments about the parents’ strength.