Siblings are sometimes called the “forgotten grievers” because attention is typically focused on the parents. Children and teens sometimes hesitate to express their own strong feelings in an attempt to prevent causing their parents additional distress. Indeed, adult family members and friends may advise the brothers and sisters to “be strong” for their parents or to “help your parents by being good.” These requests place a terribly unfair burden on children who have already endured months or years of stress and family disruption. Siblings need continual reinforcement that each of them is an irreplaceable member of the family and that the entire family has suffered a loss. They have the right, and need, to mourn openly and in their own way.

Children express grief in many ways. Some children develop physical manifestations, such as stomach aches, a loss of appetite or voracious eating, or changes in sleeping or toileting habits. Many younger children regress; they may revert to diapers or baby talk, stop walking, or stop talking. Fears and phobias, such as a fear of the dark or of being alone, are common responses to loss. Children may develop unpredictable or disruptive behaviors, such as tantrums, crying, sadness, anxiety, withdrawal, or depression. Older children and teens may appear nonchalant, angry, withdrawn, or engage in risky behaviors, such as sexual promiscuity, alcohol abuse, and drug use.

Parents need to engage siblings of different ages at their appropriate developmental levels. Private time together, or individual outings with the parents, can be very helpful for siblings.

Families can pull apart when individuals within the family have incompatible ways of expressing grief. Men and women tend to express grief in profoundly different ways, which may seem intolerable or inexplicable to one another. In these situations, family therapy or some other form of counseling can help.

Some parents worry that if they start talking about their feelings, they will “break down” in front of the children. But the children know their parents are grieving and it hurts them to feel excluded. They are grieving, too, and if they see their parents pulling away from them, they are likely to feel that their parents do not love them as much as they loved the child they lost. Here are suggestions from families about ways to pull together while mourning:

• Let the siblings go to the funeral. They have suffered a loss and they need to say goodbye. They need support for their grief just as much as adults.
• Children and teens experience the same feelings as adults. By sharing your own feelings, you can encourage them to identify their own. (For example, “I’m really feeling sad today. How do you feel?”)
• Some families establish a regular meeting time to talk about their feelings. Both tears and laughter erupt when family members talk about funny or touching memories of the departed child.
• Jointly discuss how holidays and anniversaries should be observed. Each family devises different ways to handle holidays, the child’s birthday, and the anniversary of her death.