Conflict is a part of life. In a situation where a child’s life is at risk, the heightened emotions and constant involvement with medical bureaucracy guarantee conflict. Clashes will happen, so resolving them is very important. A speedy resolution may result if you adopt Henry Ford’s motto, “Don’t find fault; find a remedy.” Following are some suggestions from parents about how to resolve problems:

• Treat the doctors with respect and expect respect from them.

I always wanted to be treated as an intelligent adult, not someone of lesser status. So I would ask each medical person what they wished to be called. We would either both go by first names or both go by titles. I did not want to be called mom.

• Expect a reasonable amount of sensitivity from the staff.

Soon after my daughter began treatment, I was walking by the open door of the residents’ room, which was directly across from the nurses’ station. Written in large letters on the blackboard were the words “Have a blast of a day!” with a picture of a smiling leukemia blast drawn below. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I was too upset to say anything, but I always regretted not complaining.

• Treat the staff with sensitivity. Recognize that you are under enormous stress, and so are the doctors and nurses. Do not blame them for the disease or explode in anger. Be an advocate, not an adversary.
• If a problem develops, state the issue clearly and without accusations—then suggest a solution.
• Recognize that although it is hard to speak up, especially if you are not naturally assertive, it is very important to solve the problem before it grows and poisons the relationship.
• Most large medical centers have social workers and psychologists on staff to help families. One of their major roles is to serve as mediators between staff and parents. You can ask for their advice about problem solving.
• Monitor your own feelings of anger and fear. Be careful not to act inappropriately toward the staff. On the other hand, do not let a doctor or nurse behave unprofessionally toward you or your child. Parents and staff members all have bad days, but they should not take it out on each other.

During our little boy’s first procedure, I was very emotional, and wondered out loud if he could feel or hear what was going on even though he was sedated. The nurse caught me completely off-guard by banging loudly on the side of the transport bed without getting any reaction from him. “See, he’s out,” she said. I was too startled then, but I wished I had told her how much that bothered me.

• Do not fear punishment for speaking up. It is possible to be assertive without being aggressive or argumentative. If you are worried, you can practice what you have to say with a trusted listener before approaching the treatment team.
• There are times when no resolution is possible, but expressing one’s feelings can be a great release.

My son and I waited in an exam room for over an hour for a painful procedure. When I went out to ask the receptionist what had caused the delay, she said that a parent had brought in a child without an appointment. When the doctor finally came in, an hour and a half later, my son was in tears. The doctor did not explain the delay or apologize, he just silently started the procedure. After it was finished, I went out of the room, found the doctor, and said, “This makes me so angry. You just left us in here for hours and traumatized my son.” He told me that I should have more compassion for the other mother because her life was very difficult. I replied that he encouraged her to not make appointments by dropping everything whenever she appeared. I added that it wasn’t fair to those parents who played by the rules; she was being rewarded for her irresponsibility. After we had each stated our position, we left without resolution.