The diagnosis of cancer affects all members of the family. Siblings can be overlooked when the parents need to spend most of their time caring for the ill child. Many siblings feel frustrated, angry, frightened, neglected, or guilty, but they may try to keep their feelings bottled up to prevent placing extra burdens on their parents. Often, these complicated feelings emerge at school. Siblings may cry easily, fall behind in classwork, do poorly on tests, cut classes, challenge teachers, or withdraw from friends or school activities.

Lindsey was in kindergarten when Jesse was first diagnosed. Because we heard nothing from the kindergarten teacher, we assumed that things were going well. At the end of the year, the teacher told us that Lindsey frequently spent part of each day hiding under her desk. When I asked why we had never been told, the teacher said she thought that we already had enough to worry about dealing with Jesse’s illness and treatment. She was wrong to make decisions for us, but I wish we had been more attentive. Lindsey needed help.

To help prevent problems from developing, you can send a letter to each sibling’s school principal requesting that teachers, counselors, and nurses be informed of the cancer diagnosis in the family and asking for their help with, and support for, the siblings.

If possible, try to include the siblings’ teachers in some of the school discussions concerning the ill child. Teachers of siblings need to be aware that the stressors facing the family may cause the siblings’ feelings to bubble to the surface during class. Chapter 17, Siblings, deals exclusively with siblings and contains tips about how to help them cope.